Wednesday, May 1, 2013

3 Month Anniversary!

Happy May Day - I've made it!  
It's been 3 months today since my hysterectomy! 
I can't say that I feel 100% better.  
More like I traded a huge set of problems for some new ones.  
I think (?) I am glad that I had the surgery done - I guess I didn't have much of a choice, but man this has been tough!

It feels like everyone around me expects me to be back to normal.  I know this isn't really the case but I'm comparing it to how when you tell someone who doesn't see you everyday that you are pregnant.  And you wait a very, very long 9 months to have that beautiful baby.  Then that person says, "Already?  Wow, that went by fast for me!"  

Well, of course it did, you weren't the one growing a new person inside of you!

I thought I was having a heart attack on Friday.  So much so that I made Lauren leave the store with me and we drove straight to the hospital.  And of course everything was fine by the time I got there.  I did meet with a great doctor later that afternoon who gave me a kind but stern reminder that I was expecting WAY too much out of myself WAY too soon.  Full recovery for having multiple organs ripped from your body via two abdominal surgeries in four months should be more like a year.  Not three months. 

I'm just doing the best I can.  This new thing of anxiety and panic attacks have been the worst.  If people around me don't understand, that's fine.  I don't need them to and they can think what they want.  I'm just going on a day to day basis around here of what I can and cannot do.  It's the only way I seem to be able to function and keep the shred of sanity that I have left for the time being.

Thank goodness for my mom and Dan who listen to me complain and be sad that I am not "me" yet.  Sometimes just saying things out loud make it better, you know?

I've become a bit of a recluse.  I have this fear now since the surgery of being in places that I can't get out of or leave quickly from.   
Rumor has it that when I was put under I really fought against getting on the surgical table, which doesn't surprise me.  I was scared to death and one of my favorite phrases is "You're not the boss of me." 

We had dinner with our friends the Troxels on Sunday night and Kjersten gave me the book "Heaven is Here" by blogger Stephanie Nielson to read.  (Nie Nie)  

I know everyone knows her story.  
But I finished the book in two days - it was exactly what I needed to read this week.  
Being grateful for what I have 
Things can always be worse and they will get better 
Did I mention patience?  
I'm working on it.


Kendrick and Desiree said...

I'm sorry Kristen! There is nothing worse than feeling stuck, like you aren't progressing no matter how hard you try. I've been through my own version of being stuck and wanting to hide from the world. I miss you and I think you are AMAZING. I know you will be back to normal eventually and then you will look back on this time and be so proud of yourself for making it through. Because you are THAT amazing.

Anonymous said...

love you...take as long as you need. Soon it will be summer and we will sit by the pool and sip something sweet watching our kids play.
(I can't remember my log in...and the pain meds kicked in! Its my back....again!!!!)

Heidi Totten said...

I think you should take all of the time you need and you certainly don't need to answer to anyone! There is definitely a post traumatic stress issue with any major surgery. I certainly had it for six months after my first c-section. Big hugs!